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The People I Have Been

I’ve been many people, and I remember and hold each of them with kindness.
This is my healing journey. 

Some days I wake up grateful to be alive, others I curse my breath.
If I am lucky, the singing birds are louder than my anxiety.
The sun in its rising, is not a threat, she makes no demands.

But then every day is not some days.

This year has tested my everything.
I keep asking for words for this thing that I have been through,
that I just came out of,
there are none.
The profoundness of it all is hard to capture in sentences, still, I shall try.

One day I was not living, and then I came alive.
I breathed myself to life after existing for so long.
One day the sky was just a thing up there,
one of the many things there are,
and then the next, it was (wonderous).
I really think that should be a word; I’ll explain myself one day when there is time.

I could see myself clearer, and I found that I really liked who I was. So, I started intentionally learning who that was.

Trauma is a thief, and she is so subtle you don’t notice when you start wearing her over your skin.

The things we go through, go through us.

I was the girl who never felt like she belonged.
The one who didn’t know a mother’s embrace.
The one who gave all her love to her father because he loved her back.
The one who was whatever was required of her.
The one who felt invisible.

But,

Before her,

I was the girl who couldn’t keep her mouth shut,
The one who recited poems and told stories to anyone who gave her more than 10 seconds.
The one who loved the attention.
The one who was such a light, a song, laughter.

I learnt the word trauma when I started therapy in 2019. I am grateful to Makena for taking me, and for Grace, for receiving me.

Through the years I have reconciled versions of myself, understanding that sometimes what is happening in my life defines how I exist in moments, and that is okay.
I know now how to put down the weight when it is time rather than wear it for years.
To release things when it is time.
To welcome myself home again, and again.

I understand how this works.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience, SOUL (no, seriously, have you watched it?)
An evolving vibrational energy being.
Always morphing.
There is no way I must be,
I am.

I am the bright rays from the sun, even when muffled under the clouds,
I am the blue in the sky,
The roaring of the ocean,
The loudness of falls,
I am the green in plants,
The gentleness in a fluttering butterfly,
I am water.
Rippling down the stream
I am all of creation.

I ebb and flow,
I become,
I embody,
I express.

The people I have been,
I remember them fondly.
I release them with ease.
They visit sometimes.
And I welcome them.

I have learnt to meet myself,
To see who I am when I am it.

I understand how this works.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
Everything that I am living is part of the song.
There is no way I must be.
I am.


Gifts are fun!!

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