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Ramblings

“No, no, wait,” she says, running into the house.

She hops onto the porch, and two seconds later, she is leaping across the grass with the Bluetooth speaker in her hand, a beautiful dog by her heels. It’s no surprise that she had to be dramatic; this is who she is, always making a spectacle of everything and herself whenever she can get away with it.

You can tell that it gives her life to be herself so boldly and openly.

“Now you can play,” the words leave her lips, and a smile forms with the last word. She is proud of herself that she thought of this and acted on it. She is expecting something, to feel something. After the conversation we have just had, we are all expecting something. This is one of those moments you watch on television, mostly on American teenage shows.

She says she feels like she belongs in that world, and sometimes she brings me with her. So, in this moment and time, the woman who reminded me what love looks like, and I live through one of those things that bring her immeasurable joy.

“Google, play Best Friend by Saweetie and Doja Cat.”

And just like that, two souls dance on the green grass, in a sanctuary provided by the powers that give gifts beyond human understanding, the divine kind. This is not a moment I would have expected to experience. Whenever I look back at who I was before my encounter with her, I am amazed at how insane love can make you and how that craziness leads to unexplainable bliss.

“Is that like our song now?”

“We have a song?” I remember thinking.

I refer to these moments of happiness and contentment as heaven. I choose to believe that anything worth experiencing, everything you are meant to experience to be the kind of happy heaven is synonymous to, is here, in everyday life.

This moment of heaven had been a culmination of the most intense friendship I have ever been in. The kind that takes your breath away, shakes your world, and helps you grow in ways you didn’t know you needed to. The kind that exposes insecurities and gaps and sits with you as you fix them without judgement.

Have you ever experienced a friendship so intense it feels divine? How this person fits into your life like they were meant to be there all along? You two find a home in each other. These kinds of friendships make you walk into yourself, head high, ready to face those demons you have escaped for so long.

At this moment, as we danced in what has now become my little haven, the gods watched in awe of how much we had grown alongside each other, and the dogs enjoyed naps under the sun; a shift happened. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that we were walking into our purpose together, all the way to eternity. It felt like a forever kind of thing.

What I didn’t know then was that two short weeks later, we would be estranged. That I would be holding my breath every time I walked outside my house. I would worry that I would run into her on the stairs, or by the gate, maybe by the garbage place. I learnt to hold my heart, in case it walked into the familiar that was now so distant and it broke all over again.

How do you heal from a loss of love that hasn’t been lost? The kind that probably never will, no matter how long and how much distance. How do you walk away from the love that saw you in your most authentic essence and appreciated it so much that they made you curious to want to see yourself that way? One that reminded you every day that your magnificence was breathtaking and admirable enough to be acknowledged.

Today I woke up for the last time in this place that I found love and lost it. But I am carrying it with me. This love allowed me to change my mind on things I had made decisions about based on what my trauma told me. It held me close and steadied me when the world fell apart, and as I walk into the manifestation of everything I dreamt about, I take it with me.

This love listened to those crazy dreams and reiterated how capable I was, and when I forgot to see, it pointed out the things I was missing. This love created room for me to love myself and others and want to get that love in return; it taught me that I deserved a kind of love with no-fault, only growth opportunities.

I walk into the start of something big for myself and others, those that I have in mind now and those I will never know. This love taught me how to hold myself with kindness and see myself as deserving, beyond whoever I think I am because of what trauma says. And with every day I got this love, my courage grew, and I boldly pursued things I never thought I would want.

I walk away from a place of hurt, this house that watched me crumble and get shattered over and over again. With every part of life that fell apart, this place stood watching. This place where I learnt to pick myself up with gentleness but to first sit with the pain because I was held by a divine form of love existing in human form. i knew, that no matter how long it took, everything would be okay. That if I was struggling to love myself, this love held me for as long as I needed as I tried to find the way to myself. This place that heard my heartiest laughter and saw the most profound tears.

Through and through, this place I am walking away from prepared me for the next one, and this has a lot to do with this love found in a sisterhood that is beyond any words. As the paths of those two souls dancing on that grass walk into where their feet are meant to be, they have to walk away from each other.

A love like that doesn’t need defending; it doesn’t need fighting. This soul bleeds by realizing how much of a transitional moment that dancing on the lawn was; the highest point of something could be the beginning of a new journey that might feel like a loss but then leads to something else.

And as my feet walk away and into things, this soul acknowledges that this kind of love is not something most people experience. No words, no explanation, no demonstration can define what it is. It is one of those things the gods give. So, as my feet find the next path, my heart carries the love from this one, hoping that I have learnt how to love others better because I was loved the way I needed and wanted.

I hope the dying ambers of a divine friendship hold out as the distance increases, and with every step, I take away and into things.

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